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All the feelings

Last night, I vented to Jedd that I was really struggling with what to write about:

J: Just type. Things will come!

A: About?

J: You know, emotions and stuff. Not just informative.

A: Um..

J: People want to know how you're feeling, not just the step by st— *falls asleep*

(or possibly he was fake sleeping... honestly it's very likely lol)

So, how am I feeling? Hopeful, excited, nervous, and obsessed with browsing "Harry Potter nursery" ideas on Etsy and Pinterest... These are the emotions we put on our faces whenever we're asked about our adoption plans.

But, I'm ALSO feeling scared, worried, and discouraged. I get scared reading about matches that fall through. Scared that we won't be able to handle the bittersweet feeling of a future foster kiddo being reunified with their parents. I am worried that a potential match could take years. Worried that we won't be able to save enough money for adoption. I'm discouraged because as we continued to explore other Iowa adoption agencies, we felt as if we were hitting roadblock after roadblock this week.

As we've shared, we have a ton of training and certifications ahead of us if we proceed with Four Oaks. I understand and appreciate the reasoning for all of these requirements. We should ensure that kids who are going through the most confusing, vulnerable time of their life have informed, qualified, loving individuals taking care of them. But I cannot stop myself from thinking *wtf* "People don't have to go through all of this to have a baby!" I realize this is a selfish thing to think or say, but, I would be lying if I said it wasn't frustrating, and we've promised to keep it real here. (Oh, add guilt to the mess of emotions I feel sometimes)

Note: I have the utmost respect for all mamas, and sympathize with all of their struggles!

Agency #2 sent us a pleasant, but bummer of an email this week. Summary: "Sorry but we are not accepting any more adoption applications until next year." Good thing 2020 is almost over I guess?

Agency #3 only accepts applications from couples who have been married 3+ years. Eff. I guess we'll check back in 2023.

Don't worry, I know we sound dismayed -- we're doing ok though. Jedd is the optimistic cheerleader of the household. He always says something positive and hopeful when I vent about this, which is heartening. And we're feeling incredibly grateful for all of the people we've recently been able to share our story with. Also we just had an amazing weekend staying in together. We got a Packers win, watched a zillion movies, and played board games all weekend. [Let it be known that I'm currently winning 18-17 in our '2020 Quarantine Games']

Our church service this week was so timely (you know those really good ones that feel like the pastor is speaking right to you?!)

Our advent series titled "9 months" is about the season of uncertainty and unmet expectations Mary and Joseph endured leading up to the birth of Jesus. Ooooof. Gut check! There's some perspective.

Between streaming church, enjoying the Bears loss to the Lions 😂, and beating Jedd in Scrabble, Phase Ten, AND Deal or No Deal this weekend -- we've been reading and learning. We need your book recommendations!! Jedd and I started listening to the audiobook Honestly Adoption: Answers to 101 Questions About Adoption and Foster Care by Mike & Kristin Berry before bed. We're also exploring fundraising opportunities and projects. We've nailed down our first fundraiser idea, and we're excited to share it with you after the holidays! 🧩

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